Through Trials and Grief, Finding a Supportive Home at Merced College

By Luciana Chavez Special to Merced College Merced College has nurtured two generations of Matt Escobar’s family. The college’s Community Education Coordinator graduated here with one of his twin daughters, a dual-enrollment success story, and spoke at the 2019 graduation. Both twins, Hannah and Katie, 22, graduated from Merced College. His wife Jessica, Mercy Cancer Center clinical manager, earned her registered nursing degree at Merced College. All six of their children, together and from previous relationships, including daughter Courtney, 24, and son Matt, 15, attended College for Kids, the summer program Escobar now runs. And their daughter Riley was another dual-enrollment star before she was killed in a car accident five years ago. She was 16. At Merced College, Escobar found a safe place to work hard, even while carrying such profound grief. “When we lost Riley, I had a hard time getting out of bed, moving, existing, drinking water,” the Brooklyn native said. Escobar was a Merced College student at the time. He told instructors more than once that he wanted to quit. “They were so compassionate,” he said. “They would only say, ‘How can we help?’” Instructors met Escobar in offices, hallways, the cafeteria, or Barnes & Noble. They’d visit his home to sit and cry with him as they helped him finish assignments. “They wouldn’t let me fail,” he said. “I feel incredibly indebted to all of them.” The idea of going to school as an adult seemed ludicrous to Escobar. He had a chaotic youth in New York, and spent nine months in a juvenile detention facility as a teenager. When he began changing his life, he tried college for one semester. Lacking support, he quit. He worked for years in security and community services. “But the older I got, the more of a challenge [not having a degree] became,” Escobar said. Jessica prodded him to try again. He enrolled in one summer English class at Merced College. “And it was incredible,” Escobar said. “I was 40. I was intimidated. But my professor was so supportive. ‘There are a lot of people your age here, Matt. You’re in good hands.’” He earned his AA in early childhood development and, though stalled by the pandemic, is still working on a BA at Stanislaus State. Escobar has worked with gang members, AIDS patients and students of all ages. He did security for fancy people at Trump Tower. “And my favorite place is still Merced College,” Escobar said. “They care so much about you. Even President [Chris] Vitelli said to me, ‘If you’re OK, our community is better off.’” Escobar had no local safety net growing up. His mother died when he was 9. His father was incarcerated. The five Escobar kids moved frequently. Life was difficult. Then 13-year-old Matt got into trouble. The judge, instead of putting him into a facility, sent him to live with his uncle in Washington state. There, Matt met Jessica, and they formed a deep attachment at a young age. But when Matt got into trouble again and was expelled from school, the judge sent him back to New York and into juvenile detention. When he got out, Escobar had nowhere to go and found himself squatting in an abandoned apartment. But, at 19, he became a father. He began living for his daughter Deborah, and says she saved his life. Escobar still never forgot his amazing friend in Washington. In 2006, he reconnected with Jessica, who was a nurse in California. He moved to California, and they married in 2013. Escobar gained a village and found happiness. Then, when their daughter died in September 2018, the Escobars struggled to cope. Riley was a champion for the ignored, especially the LGBTQ+ community. She had love to spare. It was Riley’s uncle Joey who first gathered river rocks and painted yellow heart faces with big smiles and uplifting messages—“You are loved!”—on them. The smiling faces made sense because the effervescent girl always smiled. She wasn’t known as Smiley Riley for nothing. The family placed the rocks at Riley’s favorite places. Then an amazing thing happened. People found the rocks and were moved by the messages. They made their own, tagging them #smileyriley. The rocks found their way to Paris, Sydney, New York and South Africa. Those stories boomeranged back to Merced via #smileyriley, the family’s Facebook page, and features on CBS and ABC. Riley’s message of acceptance now also lives on in a local award. Family friend and Professor of Nursing Lindsay Roe helped them establish the Merced College RN Graduate Smiley Riley Award, which goes to outstanding nursing students who best exemplify Riley’s compassion. Each semester, Jessica and Matt choose a winner, who receives a $500 scholarship sponsored by Merced College Trustee Carmen Ramirez. Matt had to tell Jessica that her baby girl had died. The once-troubled boy, now a family man, said he realized then that he had a new mission. Giving to others gave Escobar’s life purpose. “I thought, ‘I can’t crumble, I can’t stop,” Escobar said. “If I do, my kids won’t eat. My wife won’t get out of bed. … That extends to what I do now. I have to care for my community, too. Just because Riley is gone, doesn’t mean my responsibility as a father stops.” So, every day, Escobar lights a candle next to the #SmileyRiley rock at their front door. Every day he puts in a good day’s work. Every day he prays for his girl, still silently wishing she would walk into the room. Said Escobar: “We feel like the more we reach out into the world looking for Riley, the further her legacy moves out into the world, and the more connected we feel to her. It’s almost like she is still here.”